For the most part, my standard diet of cabernet, uninformed sports gambling, and consequential need for copious doses of Xanax keeps my body in its intended noble form. However the other morning while yelling various synonyms for "mix" at my young Puerto Rican cabana boy (although he's proven adept at swimming to retrieve beach balls from the middle of the pool, he's yet to master the art of the blended cocktail), I realized he was flexing muscles that I've never even seen on my own body, which has made me think that maybe working out is more than just a word Fergie made up for liposuction.

So I've taken a cue from my Hispanic employees (or "minimum wage amigos," as I call them) and begun paying attention to the activities that keep them in shape, like yelling accented nonsense with lots of hand waving and an occasional rolled "r." I've been practicing a lot, and although the cabana boy is still having trouble with the margaritas, he's giving it a lot more hustle, and my abs are feeling tighter than ever.

When it comes to the checklist of essential ingredients for a James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace doesn't disappoint in the hard-and-fast action department. As soon as the cinema lights dim, the audience is thrust into an exciting car chase in Siena, Italy in which our hero destroys yet another gorgeous automobile. This time around, it's the stunning (and stunningly expensive) Aston Martin DBS. At the 2008 Los Angeles Auto Show this past week, the famous Bond car was in full view and commanded a $273,000 price tag. One anonymous Bond fan, however, paid a whopping $352,000 for the totaled Aston Martin that landed at the bottom of Italy's Lake Garda in the movie's sensational opening sequence.

Maybe he's afraid of fires reducing his homestead to ashes, as has befallen many of his highfalutin' neighbors thanks to the Santa Ana Winds. Maybe he's just looking for a change of scenery. Maybe he was a major shareholder in Lehman Bros. Whatever the reason, Leonardo DiCaprio has decided to give up his Malibu home.

Leo's solid celebrity means that his property should definitely withstand the currently crappy real estate market, even if the house doesn't come equipped with memorabilia like a pair of aviator goggles from The Aviator and a diamond from Blood Diamond. But Forbes lists Leo as Hollywood's fifth-highest-paid actor, so I can't help wondering why he would sell his westernmost retreat in this time of financial crisis. He could probably rent the place out for $25,000 a week. Leo's owned this home since 2006, when he bought it for $6.35 million, so after listing it at $8,999,000 this time around, the profit would be chump change compared to what he earns per film... More >> ..

Madonna and Alex Rodriguez have been searching for a new apartment in Manhattan, specifically the Upper East Side. The properties they've been looking at have ranged from $30 million to $60 million. Madonna has no plans to sell her other apartment, located in Central Park West, where she fought (and ultimately won) a legal battle in early 2008 for the right to buy additional properties in the building. She purchased a $7 million adjoining apartment to go along with her existing 6,000-square-foot duplex, which has its own gym and beauty salon.

Rodriguez is still trying to sell his 4,600-square-foot apartment at 502 Park Avenue, a palatial pre-war condominium whose price was recently lowered to $10 million. His four-bedroom pad has six and a half baths, not to mention his-and-her whirlpool tubs in the master bathroom. Each room includes custom lighting, electronic shades, and built-in speakers, and everything, including the A/C and heat, is controlled by electronic touch pads... More >> ..

I never can seem to figure out which color paints Hollywood. Sunny southern California was born during the golden age of cinema, later destroyed by the stock market's Black Tuesday, and eventually resurrected by the platinum blondes of the 1970s. Color seems to matter everywhere these days: just yesterday I saw a faux russet beauty pull out her red American Express card to see the Blue Man Group in Vegas.

 

Now the color is green. Everyone wants to go green these days, despite Kermit the Frog's warning that it's anything but easy. From eco-friendly grocery stores to environmentally sound bathrooms, everyone seems ready to go green-in name, at least. This movement is the wave of the future, though my hippie friends in Venice Beach will tell you they've been endorsing green living for years.

 

Most recently, Hollywood's new Ecco Ultra Lounge has become a nightlife hotspot boasting a list of green amenities... More >> ..

If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that there's only one real solution to depression, anger, or boring stretches of highway: wine. I've seen it proven firsthand many times. Whenever Mother woke up on the wrong side of the bed, a bottle of good chardonnay turned her frustration into a fun game of tag with the housekeeping staff. The staff really played it up, too, always screaming and pretending they were really scared, while Mother threw candelabra and vases and empty bottles at them until she wore down and passed out. I swear, sometimes I was in tears with laughter.

And if you're looking for more proof, just look how well Fall Out Boy is doing. If you ever find yourself in a creative rut, gel your hair into a ruffled bed-head do and start drinking with underage girls, and you'll go platinum faster than you can say "broken hymen." Just be mindful of the sharp edges on their braces.

The holiday (food) spirit has my engine revving, so a simple comparison comes to mind. Who wants to eat a microwaveable Christmas dinner if you can have one homemade? The same goes for Mexican food, yet too frequently people disregard this essential element in a potentially delicious and nutritious gustatory experience.

Pinches Tacos delivers on the home cooking front; everything is extremely fresh and made from scratch. This is real Mexican food, the way it's supposed to be. It's family-run and downright delicious: no waiters in funny costumes assault you, and neither does sauce from a can. Just walk up to the counter, order from the myriad options, and then take your skull-emblazoned number to the table of your choice.

My favorite Pinches Tacos delight is, well, a taco. Given its name, one would hope that the tacos are incredible, and indeed they are. The best on the menu? The Taco Camaron. I don't usually enjoy shrimp, but this tasty treat has me ordering not one, but two, to the elation of my stomach and the envy of all the gawkers driving by... More >> ..

Maestro Dobel has hit New York! The world's first-ever diamond clear-aged silver tequila, it is, like a diamond, judged by four C's: clarity, complexity, crispness, and craftsmanship. A unique blend of reposado, anejo, and extra-anejo tequilas, Maestro won't be available in New York until 2009, but I was lucky enough to try this unique elixir at a tasting event held at Bijoux Lounge.

 

The lounge was dark and cozy, and all the tables and couches were lined with diamonds-an ambiance that contributed to the chic and innovative flavors of the tequila. A variety of drinks created by STK LA's Pablo Moixx were served, all of which tasted amazing. Although I have to say that my favorite drink of the night was Maestro on the rocks with a splash of lime, I was for the first time able to sip a glass of straight tequila and truly enjoy it. Heavy hors d'oeuvres were passed, as well; just like the tequila, they titillated the tastebuds... More >> ..

I've always been an advocate for couples that demonstrate that not all relationships are dysfunctional, like Bobby and Whitney, Britney and K-Fed, and Sienna Miller and whomever she's committing adultery with now (in Hollywood, "adultery" translates to "puppy love").

Then, of course, there's my spa technician and me. Though I can never remember her name (to avoid offence I simply call her "My Little Kamikaze," or "Commie," for short), I feel as though I can tell her my innermost thoughts, and she always responds with the same indecipherable but delightfully enthusiastic gibberish. And whenever I come in with that forlorn look in my eyes, she sees it immediately and always says something to cheer me up, like, "Richie, you want me make special price happy colon massage today?"

Justin has been searching for a New York City pad for some time now, and has finally decided to purchase. His new condo cost him $4.774 million, boasts three bedrooms, and has an amazing 2,995 square feet of living space, giving him plenty of room to work on his new dance moves. The condo occupies the entire fifth floor of the Pearline Soap Factory condo building in the TriBeCa neighborhood (414 Washington St). Some of the condo's features include:
         - Three baths
         - 14 floor-to-ceiling arched windows facing in all four directions
         - Views of the Hudson River
         - A gourmet kitchen with high-end appliances
         - A 52-foot-long living/dining room
         - A wine cooler
         - Electronically powered shades
         - A sound system
Now Timberlake and his gal Jessica will have an NYC condo in which to lay their heads next time they're in the city... More >> ..

On September 11, 2008, just over two months ago, gas prices had skyrocketed and my boy Diddy was ranting on YouTube that he had been forced to fly commercial because the bicoastal life plus the private jet was becoming too costly. He begged the government to intervene. And intervene they did, by bailing out my banker buds as we watched markets reach historic lows.

And then there were the automotive industry's Three Stooges, the ones from Detroit who couldn't get the message that flying three separate private jets to their congressional bailout hearing in D.C. was going to cause consternation (see the opening sketch of November 22's Saturday Night Live for further information).

But this morning's headlines tell me that gas prices are at a three-year low, averaging under $2 a gallon nationally. You know what that means? It means I want to party like it's 1999 (when gas was just over a dollar a gallon), and rock the PJs wherever I go-so long as Big Brother Al Gore isn't looking over my shoulder... More >> ..

Thanksgiving is a time to appreciate all of the intangible and priceless aspects of American life handed down to us by the Indians, like whiskey, casinos, and those little red forehead dots. Of course there are also the more discrete gifts, such as the constant availability of hamburgers and frappuccinos, and the educational programming of the E! network, all of which were made possible by the Indians' so graciously offering to move away from the coasts to places that Caucasians are unable to inhabit, like Canada, and the many mid-American states whose names have been long since forgotten.

Also, let's not forget the season's many uses for pumpkin, which is an integral part of my autumnal sex life: the scent of warm pumpkin is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs for women over age 38, surpassed only by the odors of bunion cream and diapers.

In contrast to her relatively taciturn partner, Victoria Beckham grew up as the daughter of a wealthy engineer, who loved to embarrass the famous brunette by dropping her off in the family's Rolls Royce. Young Vicki once claimed that she felt victimized by her family's ostentatious habits, though she matured (as most members of the elite, thankfully, do), and eventually accepted the nickname "Posh" with good grace.

 

In an ironic twist, Victoria's spouse was meanwhile circling the suburbs of London, kicking soccer balls and posing in front of mirrors-two talents that created both the world's largest sports superstar and one of People's "Sexiest Men Alive."

 

David Beckham grew up in Leytonstone, a modest suburban area in the eastern section of London. The country's favorite footballer only spent two years in the three-bedroom Victorian townhouse, but that was enough to spark international focus on its recent sale... More >> ..

I love lox as much as the next Gentile, but everybody knows financial issues are not the forte of the Jewish people. That's why I make sure that my economic welfare is in the hands of people who know how to most appropriately spend money, like Ted Nugent. While my recently fired accountant (Mr. Something-or-other-berg) used to use confusing terms like "questionable investment" and "frivolous spending," Mr. Nugent understands that buying a $100,000 pair of go-go boots made from endangered white tiger fur is necessary to tie an outfit together. He also understands that using crab cakes as projectiles to throw at the help is a lifestyle choice, and he doesn't rudely judge me for it.

Plus, my old accountant never used to play games with me. In my newfound men's social club called the NRA, I get to play fun games like "Butler Target Practice" whenever I want, and no one ever uses words longer than three syllables.

Teddy's, the subdued oasis tucked privately away from the trash-filled yet glittering street that is Hollywood Boulevard, captured my heart quite some time ago. Our longstanding love affair began when I turned the ripe old age of 21. Some may scoff at my presumed naiveté, as I am now only a marginally riper and older 22, but in Hollywood, a yearlong love affair constitutes quite a track record.

I fell for Teddy's ambiance first. Burnt-orange candlelight seeped through the darkness. The beat came next: the jams Frankie and Sam pump up are just loud enough. And I felt pretty slick when I bared my infamous black-light-visible-only admittance stamp to the doorman upon re-entry after a mad dash through The Roosevelt's lobby to the ladies' room. But these delights are just pieces in the puzzle that, once complete, reads, "Teddy's es numero uno en mi corazon."

What truly makes Teddy's lovable is the atmosphere... More >> ..